But many times I didn't know when to quit, and had to be pulledoff of my instructors (I had long since been deemed an unsuitablesparring partner for the other girls) before I killed them.I was still seeing my counselor, who to her credit never abandoned me nomatter how hard I tried. I learned what to say in order to sound like Iwas coming to terms with and embracing my life as a female; and I washappy that this was pleasing my mother and easing her worries for me. Butinside I was as tormented as ever...|||=|||=|||=|||=|||=|||=|||=|||=0Until I was about nine I had known a woman who never failed to brightenmy day. She always seemed to know what to say."Believe in yourself" she had told me, "And believe that Hera has aspecial destiny for you. It may not be what you expected, it may not bewhat other people want for you, but it's yours. And when you find it---orit finds you---you'll know it's right, and that all your trials untilthen were teaching you how to be strong, and were leading. After a long silence, I asked her, “Are you really on birth control now?”It wasn’t a question that made sense for the situation, but it’s where my mind went. If I was thinking at all I would have realized that the last thing she’d want, if she wanted to break up with me, was to get pregnant with my baby.She looked at me as if I was insane. “I wouldn’t let you touch me without a condom for six months, and last week I make you shoot every last drop inside me. Do you think I would do that if I thought you were gonna get me pregnant?”We were both quiet again for a long time, but we still didn’t resolve anything.The next day I was feeling guilty about everything. I mean, how could I be mad at her when, let’s face it, I’m the one who had been fucking around on her pretty much throughout our entire relationship. I was still fucking Julie. I was fucking Kassidy. I fucked Morgan. How could I be mad at her for a couple of kisses? Even if she was actually fucking this guy, I was still way worse..
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